||[Aug. 6th, 2004|08:37 pm]
i'm going to tell everyone what happened. i don't actually know what happened so i'll do what i can|
i don't really feel much at all. is that normal. her mum is all crying and such and it's strange. i was going to write some emotive piece. i was planning it in my head but then i realised i don't really feel anything or at least i can't explain anything about how i feel so i'll just tell what i remember
we were driving up this dirt road and marci's little sister was driving and marci was sleeping in the back and i think i was stroking her hand from in the front seat. then i got some memory that's like a dream... most of it seems like a dream. we came off the road and went into the calley thing and i seem to remember some swearing or something. probably mine or kristi's. i really don't know. then i remember being taken to the front seat of this other car. passangers side and i was asking what was going on and telling them to get marci into the ambulence first. first time i told someone about this i remember crying but now i don't really feel like crying right now
it doesn't seem like she's dead does it? when i woke up it seemed like a normal day and i just had a headache and had dreamed all that had happened but then i had cuts on my wrist and it wasn't a dream at all.
i feel kinda out of place here because everyone's christian and they're saying she's in heaven and all this but i can't get that comfort. i found one of the hair bands that i stole off her in the drive-in the day before but i couldn't find the other. i'm wearing my pendant because i guess i should but hers is in my pocket. i'm gonna ask them if i can put it on her
her bro is on the phone right now and he's saying she didn't die right away so she must've thought i was dead too before she died because i can't remember anything so i must've blacked out. that must suck. i keep saying things that don't even cover it like "that must suck" but i can't think of much else to say.
i dunno. i'd kinda rather not talk about it in a serious way anyways and i'd rather people didn't talk to me about it in school or whatever either. when i think about it. i think the only place people live on when they're dead is in the memories of other people and i think i've got a few good memories of her and only a few regrets. it would've been nice to have had more obviously but i guess i got to accept that i don't
i don't really have much else to say. or at least if i did i don't anymore.